Struggle

Here I am again. Depressed. Alone. Feeling dejected. Viewing myself as nothing but a failure. Always lacking the will to do better than yesterday, the day before, and the countless mistakes that I have fallen victim too never seem to teach me anything.

I come back to the same sins. Come back to the same failures. Same stupid prayers. The same halfhearted repentance. Not knowing whether my repentance is enough, whether it will last until morning.

I always have the same song in my heart. Psalm 51. Create in me a clean heart. Restore in me the joy of your salvation. Every damn time.

Always here waiting for some new revelation. Feeling that somehow, some way, this time will be different. This time I will learn from my fall. This time I will rise beyond it.

But no, it's only a matter of time. I am still human. I try to tell myself that He is bigger than me. That his victory is greater than my fall. It is, no doubt. But time takes its toll on me, and eventually I forget anything that might have been realized at the time, and I wake up with a terrible hangover in a large ditch wondering how the hell I dug myself back in.

Also wondering what in the world would make Him love me.

I figure that one day I will remember. One day it will be so deeply engraved in my mind that I cannot forget. I just hope that this day that I have been waiting on is today.

Please forgive me for turning away again. For giving in to the destructive voices, against your exact commands. For forgetting the promises and the cautions that were spoken to me just hours ago. For cheapening your grace in my life.

Please forgive me.