QT : Nehemiah 4

Nehemiah 4 : 10-14 "Then the people of Judah began to complain that the workers were becoming tired. There was so much rubble to be moved that we could never get it done by ourselves. Meanwhile, our enemies were saying, 'Before they know what's happening, we will swoop down on them and kill them and end their work.' The Jews who lived near the enemy came and told us again and again, 'They will come from all directions and attack us!' So I placed armed guards behind the lowest parts of the wall in the exposed areas. I stationed the people to stand guard by families, armed with swords, spears, and bows. Then as I looked over the situation, I called together the leaders and the people and said to them, 'Don't be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your friends, your families, and your homes!' "

So many times I tend to focus on the bad things going on around me, on all the things that seem to be trying to attack me or hinder me from doing God's work, including my own doubts. I realize that most of these things are quite small until I build them up in my own mind. Whether it be something that someone does to me, something that somebody says, a fear in my mind that I will not be able to prevail, or whatever it is. Once it gets into my head I seem to blow it out of proportion and it becomes an excuse for me to continuously fail.

Nehemiah calls for us to not be afraid of our enemies, but we must remember who we are living for, we must remember why the Lord called us to the task that is in front of us. We must remember what He promised us with success. We must remember that He is always on our side, always pushing us forward.

There are so many times that I compromised on this task that God has handed me. I have made many excuses, I have let sin deter me from my original goal, and I have doubted too many times that I would not prevail, therefore doubting God himself. I know that he has called me to this task, I know that he has promised good things from it, and he always promises that I will reap what I sow. He has spoken to me many times, yet the next day I seem to doubt once again. I'm sick and tired of being so doubtful. How is it that I can continuously doubt in God even though he continues to reassure me almost each and every day?

I'm sick of doubting, I'm sick of sinning the same damn sins every single day. I'm starting to disgust myself and I can't believe that there are people around me that can actually say they are proud of me when I am such a disgusting sinner. I want to have faith in God, that the plans he directs me to will be plans to prosper not myself, but to bring glory to his name. I know that that is his will, and his will shall be carried out no matter what. I want, I long, I yearn to be that tool that will help carry out his will, that tool that will help to glorify him.

Heavenly Father, I'm tired of coming to this spot day in and day out asking for forgiveness of the same sin. The same sin I commit against you each and every day. Even when there is a reminder on my wrist of your faithfulness, even when there is that reminder that I shall not want anything of this world, but only want your love and your comfort. Do I not believe that You will watch over me as I go through the valleys? When I fall I am so quick to believe that I need to stand up and walk by my own strength, no matter what it takes. I'm so quick to turn my back on you and find only temporary comfort in the things of this earth. God I am sick of coming to this desk every single day full of guilt because I am not able to have complete faith in you for twenty four hours straight, there is always a moment of doubt in my heart. I pray that you can cast the doubts out of my mind, I know they are not from you, but from the enemy. I will no longer be afraid of the enemy and cower in fear when he is near, but I will have faith that you will prevail over all that is evil. Satan has no power of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I believe that! Give me clean hands once again Father, that I may be cleansed and be worthy of being called a servant of God. Please bring me back to the table that I have turned my back against. Please bring me back into your courts that I may feel your love, your mercy, and your wonderful grace once again.

In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.




Lyrics for the day :

It’s like a dream I can see myself.
Entering the scene I’m watching as I kiss you on the cheek but I don’t try to help.
Instead I strip you, kick you down to the floor,
Tell you that I love you, turn you around and whip you some more.
Somebody stop me, that’s the Lord, He’s the Son of God.
But then I watch as I drag you by your head over to a cross.
I can’t watch, gotta close my eyes.
I know what’s coming next, scared to death I’m paralyzed.
I hear the hammer poundin nails through your hands and feet,
I hear you screaming that your crown of thorns is in there deep.
Blood dripping out your eyes and rolling down your cheek,
I’m sorry Lord for everything I’m doing, I can barely speak.
People laughing, pointing fingers, casting lots for your road.
I’m laughing too but you stop me and you beckon me close.
You tell me that you love me, that you’re taking my place.
I tell you that I love you too and spit in your face.